So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
