if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
