I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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