Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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