those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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