dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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