Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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