I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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