Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
