Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
