You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
