I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
