Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
