i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Still dying that you shit outside
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
