I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
