I wanna bring you to show and tell
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize