Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
