Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think your dad took our porno
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
