I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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