Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
