happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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