Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
