I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
