Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
