Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
