Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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