One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
wow bdsm is so cute
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
