is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
