i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
