just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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