She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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