my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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