My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
