can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
