she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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