dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
