"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
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My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
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It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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