my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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