you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
