the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
