wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
