she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize