mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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