i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
