So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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