Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
