The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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