She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
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He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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