I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
