I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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