That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
