I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
is wine microwaveable?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
