I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
