I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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