you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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