They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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