Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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