Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
